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Sửa bài viết IELTS Writing Task 2 chủ đề Crime cho học viên. Chữa bài IELTS Writing chi tiết và cải thiện từng câu trong bài viết.
Task 2: In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. However, some people believe that better education will be a more effective solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Bài viết Task 2 IELTS Writing của học sinh:
While incarcerating offenders is a common practice, many people opine that education gets upper hand preventing crime. Unambiguously that, I exceedingly concur that higher emphasis should be placed on educating the masses, but as well I am not convinced that the imprisonment of criminals should be ceased.
One the one hand, education is a materiality solution which should be implemented to deal with criminals who reoffend. Due to the fact that large number of criminals who serve their first prison sentence, leave prison only to reoffend. This is mainly because of the lack of rehabilitation and difficulty finding regular employment once released. In addition, residences and government should be encouraged and cultivated to prevent the majority of criminal acts to occur in the first place. To elaborate, by teaching the younger generations regarding the damages these acts cause both to the individual and society, many of them may avoid joining gangs. It is a first-class climb ladder to serve the decrease of criminal purpose. Undeniably, decreasing the number of criminals as a cause of edification will eliminate a superfluous burden that is on government’s shoulder. An informational figure statistics show that imprisonment of every individual adds thousand dollars to the local cost of states. Thereby, we are acquainted that education is a cutting-edge and crucial turning-point to solve crimes.
In other aspects, imprisonment of criminals should not be terminated as it is still a conventional and successful response. The first and perhaps, the most lucrative point is that they isolate criminals from other people. Hence, not only preventing them from committing a crime, but also eliminating their influence on law abiding citizens that may pivot to the criminal life. Furthermore, the very idea of imprisonment prevents many people from embarking criminal missions. Last but not least, prisons are places that detainees can reflect on past behaviors and atone. In contrast, law-breakers are not given a chance to retrain and learn new skills for their future or develop a deeper understanding of correct moral behavior and instead mix with other criminals, which only strengthens their criminal intentions.
In recapitulation, on the basis of the aforementioned explanation, I concede that I agree that training individuals can prevent many people from committing a crime; yet, the involvement of prisons in this is incontrovertible.
Component scores:
- TR: 7.5
- CC: 6
- LR: 6
- GRA: 7.5
Overall band score: I would give this essay a band score of 7 out of 9.
Room for improvements:
- Your essay is TOO long. See how I shorten as follows
- Avoid repetition
- Use more precise and academic language.
Upgrade your Lexical resource:
- better education => quality education
- common practice => prevailing practice
- masses => general public
- reoffend => “recidivate” or “relapse.”
- incontrovertible => “indisputable” or “undeniable”
Paragraph-by-paragraph improvements:
| While incarcerating offenders is a common practice, many people opine that education gets upper hand preventing crime. Unambiguously that, I exceedingly concur that higher emphasis should be placed on educating the masses, but as well I am not convinced that the imprisonment of criminals should be ceased. | While imprisonment has traditionally been the preferred solution to criminal activity, many argue that education is a more effective means of addressing this issue. I strongly agree that emphasis should be placed on educating the general public, but I am also of the opinion that the incarceration of criminals remains a necessary measure. |
| One the one hand, education is a materiality solution which should be implemented to deal with criminals who reoffend. Due to the fact that large number of criminals who serve their first prison sentence, leave prison only to reoffend. This is mainly because of the lack of rehabilitation and difficulty finding regular employment once released. In addition, residences and government should be encouraged and cultivated to prevent the majority of criminal acts to occur in the first place. To elaborate, by teaching the younger generations regarding the damages these acts cause both to the individual and society, many of them may avoid joining gangs. It is a first-class climb ladder to serve the decrease of criminal purpose. Undeniably, decreasing the number of criminals as a cause of edification will eliminate a superfluous burden that is on government’s shoulder. An informational figure statistics show that imprisonment of every individual adds thousand dollars to the local cost of states. Thereby, we are acquainted that education is a cutting-edge and crucial turning-point to solve crimes. | On the one hand, education is a pivotal solution to dealing with recidivist offenders. A large proportion of criminals who serve their first prison sentence are likely to re-offend due to a lack of rehabilitation and difficulty in securing regular employment post-release. In addition, individuals and governments should actively work towards preventing criminal acts from occurring in the first place. By educating younger generations about the harmful effects of criminal behavior on both individuals and society, many may be dissuaded from joining gangs. This proactive approach to crime prevention can serve to reduce the burden on the government, as imprisonment costs thousands of dollars per individual. Therefore, education is a cutting-edge and crucial turning-point in the fight against crime. |
| In other aspects, imprisonment of criminals should not be terminated as it is still a conventional and successful response. The first and perhaps, the most lucrative point is that they isolate criminals from other people. Hence, not only preventing them from committing a crime, but also eliminating their influence on law abiding citizens that may pivot to the criminal life. Furthermore, the very idea of imprisonment prevents many people from embarking criminal missions. Last but not least, prisons are places that detainees can reflect on past behaviors and atone. In contrast, law-breakers are not given a chance to retrain and learn new skills for their future or develop a deeper understanding of correct moral behavior and instead mix with other criminals, which only strengthens their criminal intentions. | On the other hand, it would be misguided to disregard the importance of imprisonment as a viable solution to criminal behavior. Firstly, incarcerating criminals serves to isolate them from society, preventing them from committing further crimes and influencing law-abiding citizens towards a life of crime. Moreover, the mere notion of being imprisoned serves as a deterrent for potential criminals. Lastly, prisons provide detainees with an opportunity to reflect on their past behaviors and make amends. By contrast, offenders who are not imprisoned are often not given the chance to retrain or develop a deeper understanding of correct moral behavior, and instead, mix with other criminals, which only serves to reinforce their criminal intentions. |
| In recapitulation, on the basis of the aforementioned explanation, I concede that I agree that training individuals can prevent many people from committing a crime; yet, the involvement of prisons in this is incontrovertible. Wordcount: 380 | In conclusion, I fully agree that education is a critical tool in preventing criminal activity. However, the role of imprisonment in addressing criminal behavior is undeniable. Wordcount: 311 |
Xem nhận xét chi tiết về 4 thành phần điểm của bài viết IELTS Writing task 2: tại đây